I love music.
Very few things speak to my soul the way music does.
The lyrics to one of my favorite songs have been running through my mind quite a lot lately...
The Station...
I've been riding on this train so long,
trying to reach my destination.
Holding out for the perfect place,
hope I find it at the station.
Restlessly I watch the hours,
waiting to pull in.
Feeling like I've wasted time on dreams lost to the wind.
I'm ready to live not only survive
I'm ready to dance like no one's watchin
Climb a mountain, kiss the sky,
then do it all again.
I'm ready to love like I've never been hurt
I'm ready to sing like no one's listenin
Watch more sunsets,
see the world.
If not now, when?
I've told myself it's all right,
to run without hesitation.
Enjoy the ride and live my life,
cause now I know, there is no station.
No finer place where dreams come true,
no better world than this.
Just moments filled with joy and tears,
where hopes and fears exist.
I'm ready to live not only survive
I'm ready to dance like no one's watchin
Climb a mountain, kiss the sky,
then do it all again.
I'm ready to love like I've never been hurt
Ready to sing like no one's listenin
Watch more sunsets,
see the world.
If not now, when?
Honestly, if I could have written a theme song for my life, this would be it.
I AM ready to live, not only survive.
Showing posts with label Just My Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just My Thoughts. Show all posts
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Heartache and Gratitude...
It's been so long since I've written anything. The past few months have been some of the hardest in my life. One of the things I like about trials and challenges (and I can't believe I just said I like trials and challenges) is when you get to that point where you can look back and see the pieces of the puzzle fitting together. I can see how heartache and sleepless nights ended up being on the cusp of major growth moments. I can see very clearly where doors were opened and others were closed, and how aware I am now of the Lord's hand in all of the things that have unfolded. This really has been such a challenging experience, and I cannot deny the blessings that have come along the way. Every night when I kneel in prayer I barely make it two seconds before bursting into tears of gratitude. It's becoming easier to see the goodness that envelops my life and positive moments I've been blessed with along the way.
First, I wanted to thank everyone for the kind messages and thoughts that you sent my way after my last post. And thank you to those who shared their stories with me. There were so many personal stories shared. I was humbled. I was so overcome with your words of encouragement, compassion and thoughtfulness. You really kept me going through this very difficult time, and there are no words to describe how grateful I am for the truly good friends the Lord has placed in my life.
Divorce really sucks. That's it. There is no other way to describe it. How do two people who were so excited to get married and plan a life together end up like this? It's something my heart has a hard time comprehending at times.
I love the movie (and the book), Under the Tuscan Sun. In it the main character, Frances, speaking of divorce and says, "the most surprising thing about divorce is that it doesn't actually kill you". This statement makes me laugh a little every time I hear it. It doesn't actually kill you, but honestly, it should. No one should have to wake up to the aftermath and reminders everyday. It's disheartening, in a way, that it takes such an incredible amount of time to recover. If the divorce itself doesn't kill you, the recovery should.
There is a big part of me that is very anxious to just get past this moment and get on with my life. Daily reminders of the "D" word leave such a gloomy presence. There are many things about this marriage I wish I could forget, but then I look to the future and am reminded that there is goodness and hope on the horizon. And the goodness on the horizon will only be sweeter because of the experiences I've had. Why would I ever lessen the experiences and blessings that are to come by forgoing the memories that, with time, will become less and less painful to remember. I can't remember who said this, but the following quote puts things into a perfect perspective... "Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere; I would be different". While life over the past few years have been filled with heartache and, at times, immense pain; I honestly wouldn't dare change a thing because that may mean that I might somehow be different. Maybe even less that what the Lord has planned for me to become. I have to believe that this experience is part of my path; part of the Lord's plan for me. And, let's be honest... he doesn't make mistakes.
Showing gratitude for the low points in my life truly makes the sweet times that much sweeter.
I am confident that there will come a day when the memories of a life that once was will be filled with less sadness, and my heart will instead make way for a hope and happiness I cannot yet comprehend. Through faith in Jesus Christ, and the blessings of hope; heartache can be replaced with graitude.
First, I wanted to thank everyone for the kind messages and thoughts that you sent my way after my last post. And thank you to those who shared their stories with me. There were so many personal stories shared. I was humbled. I was so overcome with your words of encouragement, compassion and thoughtfulness. You really kept me going through this very difficult time, and there are no words to describe how grateful I am for the truly good friends the Lord has placed in my life.
Divorce really sucks. That's it. There is no other way to describe it. How do two people who were so excited to get married and plan a life together end up like this? It's something my heart has a hard time comprehending at times.
I love the movie (and the book), Under the Tuscan Sun. In it the main character, Frances, speaking of divorce and says, "the most surprising thing about divorce is that it doesn't actually kill you". This statement makes me laugh a little every time I hear it. It doesn't actually kill you, but honestly, it should. No one should have to wake up to the aftermath and reminders everyday. It's disheartening, in a way, that it takes such an incredible amount of time to recover. If the divorce itself doesn't kill you, the recovery should.
There is a big part of me that is very anxious to just get past this moment and get on with my life. Daily reminders of the "D" word leave such a gloomy presence. There are many things about this marriage I wish I could forget, but then I look to the future and am reminded that there is goodness and hope on the horizon. And the goodness on the horizon will only be sweeter because of the experiences I've had. Why would I ever lessen the experiences and blessings that are to come by forgoing the memories that, with time, will become less and less painful to remember. I can't remember who said this, but the following quote puts things into a perfect perspective... "Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere; I would be different". While life over the past few years have been filled with heartache and, at times, immense pain; I honestly wouldn't dare change a thing because that may mean that I might somehow be different. Maybe even less that what the Lord has planned for me to become. I have to believe that this experience is part of my path; part of the Lord's plan for me. And, let's be honest... he doesn't make mistakes.
Showing gratitude for the low points in my life truly makes the sweet times that much sweeter.
I am confident that there will come a day when the memories of a life that once was will be filled with less sadness, and my heart will instead make way for a hope and happiness I cannot yet comprehend. Through faith in Jesus Christ, and the blessings of hope; heartache can be replaced with graitude.
Monday, May 6, 2013
not the road I wanted to choose...
I believe in marriage. I truly do. It's the one thing in this life that I've hoped for, searched for, and worked for most of my life. Not just any marriage would do. I've always wanted something special... a friendship, a partnership an eternal companionship. I've longed to fill my life with the joy of being a wife and mother. I love working, but my deepest desire is to be home taking care of my home and family. It's not just a want, it's a deeply spiritual desire. Believe me I've looked outside the home to fill that desire, and I always end up back at home because it is where my heart truly feels the happiest. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than caring for my home and family.
Matt and I met nearly 22 years ago. We had grown up together, had many of the same friends, similar interests... he was off-the-wall, outgoing and super ambitious. I was shy, quiet and a bit of a goody-goody. Matt and I were best friends to the core. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we had an amazing friendship. Every Saturday we would pack up the kids, get in the car, and go for a family drive; and every time without saying a word about it, would end up where we both had wanted to go. We were connected.
We enjoyed 11 years of marriage together. I remember the beginning of the end like it happened yesterday. We had just taken the girls on a family vacation to San Diego. That following week Matt had spent out of town on business. He came home from that business trip looking completely different. I barely recognized him. After several hours of silence he finally spoke to me and told me that he "didn't want to be married anymore and didn't want the responsibility of a family anymore either"... I'll probably never forget those words. He packed his bags and took a job in Washington D.C. and left. It was over just like that. In the years that followed, a secret life surfaced. Secrets I sometimes wish I had never known about.
I remember the day my mother-in-law called me. She didn't say much, she didn't need to. She only said, "I'm not too happy with my son right now". She didn't take a side, she didn't make excuses or point fingers. She said what her heart was feeling. She was hurting too. She told me she loved me. She passed away just a few weeks later. I will forever be grateful for her strength in making that phone call. She set me free from the self-blame, guilt and shame I was feeling. I never realized how grateful I was for that moment until recently.
Fast-forward 10 years... and here I am. Losing everything again. After Matt, I took my time. I didn't date, didn't think of dating for several years. I really looked inward, worked very hard to mend the heart that had been broken by the ultimate betrayal. I bettered myself through education, service and being the best possible mom I could. I poured everything into being ready and worthy of the kind of man I deserved and wanted to spend eternity with. I was so careful.
I not only prayed for the opportunity to meet and marry a good man, I also prayed to be part of a good family as well. I found both of those things. I remember thinking I had seriously hit the jackpot. I fell in love with Brad's family. It was the type of family I wanted to be a part of eternally.
I wish I could put into words what happened, but it's too personal, to raw and way to painful. It's over and that's all I can, and will say. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost a family I really cared about. My children lost a family. I never experienced this with Matt. My children and I have always remained really close to Matt's family. We visit their grandpa still... regularly. I think we remained close because family relationships are what matter the most. My heart breaks for my son. I don't know what this means for him.
I don't know what will come from all of this. I have a love/hate relationship with hope. My bishop said to me months ago, "if there is even one ounce of hope, then let's do all we can to save this marriage"... ugh, I am the last person to talk to about hope. I am probably one of the most hopeful people out there. His statement about hope was absolute torture. Of course there's always hope... hope is what has kept me going for the past 2 1/2 years. But I slowly realized that hope can't fix another person. All of my desires and "hope" can't do the work for or change someone else. It's like wishing the sky were orange... hoping that the sky will magically turn orange isn't going to change it's color.
I wish things were different right now. I wish I could fast-forward 6 months, 1 year, 5 years... I just wish I could make it through a single day without falling to pieces. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
Even though things are unbelievably tough right now, I'm learning quite a lot. I've learned that I can still laugh and find joy every single day. I truly enjoy my time with my children. It's okay to close the door to my closet and sob (sometimes several times a day). I've learned to rely on the Lord a lot because there are times when there really is nobody else. I've learned to lean on friends and family and those the Lord has placed in my life at this time. I've learned to not keep everything to myself... I kind of pride myself on being a really private person. It's okay to NOT to do it all myself. I've learned that I enjoy having a home full of people... even the teenage variety. It's okay to not figure everything out in one day. I've learned to let plans go. I've learned that things like organized cabinets, clean floors and empty laundry baskets don't really matter, and things like story time and prayer with Zachary, teaching my daughters to cook and sew, and talking on the phone to a friend or visiting my mom... those things are what really matter. I've learned to not overwhelm myself with the undone details and the uncertainty of everything.
And most of all, I've learned to trust in the Lord when He keeps reassuring me that everything will be all right, because truly, everything will be all right. He knows the journey I've been on. He knows the true desires of my heart, why I've cried the tears I've cried. He know the prayers I've prayed begging and pleading with the Him to help me fix things and make things different. He knows my heartache, my sadness, and how hard I fought for a different outcome. Ultimately the Lord knows the absolute truth, and nothing brings me more peace than knowing that for myself.
The final thing I learned is a big lesson on forgiveness. I recently came across this quote by Carol Tuttle, "forgive others for not knowing what you know". I wrote that on my bathroom mirror as an everyday reminder. This quote speaks with so much power. I can't be upset with people for not knowing what I know... and if what they don't know is the truth, then how is it doing me any good to hold on to hurt feelings and let those feelings of sadness, pain and frustration control my life? Behaving that way fills me with nothing but despair. This experience has been devastating enough without adding to it.
That quote put things in a perfect perspective for me... I truly DO need to forgive others for not knowing what I know. I have to believe that the Lord will mend things. I can be mended, my children can be mended. Hearts will be mended. I need to remember that I put this in the Lord's hands months ago and He doesn't make mistakes. I may be headed down a road I truthfully didn't want to go down, but I have no doubt He will make this family whole again.
Monday, April 29, 2013
finding the creativity again...
I am on a new creative journey and it is makin' this girl a happy one!
So, for months I've been wanting to get back into the school scene and get this whole degree thing done, but the timing has been way off... aka: the Lord has other plans for me. :)
Anyone who truly knows me, knows this past year has been particularly difficult. I've desperately needed something in my life to lift my spirits; and for me that typically comes through using creativity. God created us and therefor is a creative being, so why would it never cross my mind that He created us to be creative beings as well!? This is probably why I am my happiest when I am doing something creative with my time. {my light bulb moment}
One evening while the house was completely quiet I began thinking about the future. As I said before, this past year has been a tough one, and in all honesty my confidence has been shaken quite a lot. I just wanted so badly to do something just for me that would not only lift my spirits, but also give me the creative confidence boost I need. Knowing that school isn't an option right now, I kept trying to focus on using the creative skills I already have, but as I mentioned, am lacking in the confidence department. Knowing my love for design I wanted to do something related to that field without having to take on clients, projects and major work loads. The design field is not a place for someone lacking confidence... art and design are so completely subjective... and either your clients love your work or they hate it. I'm just not sure I want my work criticized in any way right now... even a constructively criticized way.
So, this quiet evening as I thought about the future I kept getting this "nudge" to look into graphic design. Honestly I had never thought about graphic design before. In my mind graphic design was all about logos, branding and web design...and for what ever reason that didn't sound appealing in any way. Months went by and this "nudge" just kept coming back, so I finally started looking up some programs some friends had mentioned... I instantly felt an excitement I hadn't felt in a really long time, and... I enrolled in the course the very next day. So, it's not technically school. It's just a month long online course learning the in's and out's of Illustrator. I'm one week into it and completely in LOVE!!! I may have a new obsession. ;)
My first official design... a 16x20 adjectives poster for my little miss.
I didn't really think anything of it... the idea originally came from an assignment (design a poster using only text), but when little miss saw it her face immediately brightened up. She began asking questions and I could tell she loved knowing that I know all of these things about her.
If I gain nothing else out of this experience, this little moment with little miss made this side journey completely worth it!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
coulda, shoulda, woulda... 2013
I coulda come up with some sort of Christmas card this last year...
I really shoulda come up with something...
I woulda but...
UGH!
Every year I begin thinking about Christmas cards well in advance. And for whatever reason the idea never materializes... EVER!
I kind of chuckled this year when a friend of mine posted this as her status on fb...
We are horrible at sending Christmas cards so, Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year in 2013!
I actually really love Christmas cards. I love, love, love getting them. I'm sure I would love sending them. It's one of those things that should just happen right? And when it doesn't happen I'm left feeling guilty about it... again! Maybe I should start now for this next Christmas? Or I was thinking of just maybe doing what Gretchen Rubin does in her book The Happiness Project. It's actually a really cute idea, but I fear that I won't do it then either and then I'll be left with the guilty feeling twice a year instead of just the one time. :)
I just realized earlier this week that this blog actually started 5 years ago with this post, which oddly enough was a Christmasy-ish, Christmas card post. Which was followed by this, this, this and this, which was my version of a Christmasy-ish photo recap of the year. This is when I used to make things simple. Maybe I should have just stuck with what worked then. :)
Lately I've desperately wanted to return to that time, or maybe just a time, when things seemed so much simpler. I may have had a life that some would view as hard, difficult or something of the like... but honestly that time in my life was an incredibly happy time. It was a time when I did what I loved. My time was so very precious that I spent it wisely and used each minute to the fullest. I miss that time in my life.
Sorry about that little off track blip there, sometimes my heart just needs to get things out there.
Well, had I produced some magnificent Christmasy-ish, Christmas card post for this past year, it would have gone a little like this...
2012. We blinked and it was over. The end.
Just kidding!
What can I say? I am truly blessed! I have 4 amazing children, friends that are incredibly supportive, loving and understanding, a home, ward and community that I absolutely love, and am completely aware of the Lord's love for me and His hand in my life.
Well, feeling that desire to return to what I used to do and love, I'm realizing I have strayed away from writing about the things I love the most in this world... my children. One of my favorite things lately has been re-reading past posts about the girls. I'm so glad I wrote about their likes, dislikes, loves and current happenings because a lot of it I had forgotten about. I'm so thankful now for capturing those memories and moments. So, in an attempt to return to capturing the NOW moments in their lives I thought I'd do something I haven't done it quite a while and just write about them. :)
Kayla is 17, going on 22 {very shortly}. I still have no idea where all the time went. I can't believe I'm even old enough to have a 17 year old (I am... don't be starting any rumors people).
What can I say about my not so little, little girl? She began this school year as a senior {Ugh... I'm feeling old}, graduation is right around the corner! She was elected as the drama council secretary for the 2012-2013 school year, which came as a huge surprise to her because it wasn't a position she even applied for. The drama department chair at CHHS hand picked Kayla for the position, which was a big deal to her. She's been working at Ab's Drive In, well, since she turned 16... and was recently promoted to a supervisor position. It was such a proud mama moment walking into the restaurant and watching her work in a leadership role. She is amazing as a leader and I had no idea she had this natural ability to lead and manage... she amazes me! What's in the near future for my "little girl", well she is a soon to be UVU student (deaf studies program). Last school year, Kayla took an ASL class and things just took off for her. She seriously is gifted in sign language. She picked it up like it was nothing and then decided on her own that she wanted to pursue a career in interpreting. Oddly enough, there are a few repeat customers that come into Ab's that are deaf and Kayla happily and effortlessly takes their order... again, this was another one of those proud mama moments where I'm watching my daughter in complete awe. Kayla and I have also talked about the possibility of her serving a sign language mission, and now that young women can go 2 whole years earlier, it makes the possibility even greater.
Cammy is a sassy, super talented 15 year old. She reminds me every other day that she gets a permit in a few months and a drivers license shortly thereafter. Every time she talks like this all I am thinking in my head is, NOOOOOOO!!! I'm really not ready to start this process with one of my children again. Cammy is my 9th grader {again, making me feel a little old}. She found a spot on the concert choir again this year, which she absolutely loves. I could sit all day and listen to her sing, she has a beautiful voice. She was chosen to serve as the historian at school and is constantly taking pictures... mostly of herself. ;) She began taking tumbling this year, which has been quite the workout, but she loves it. She is looking forward to trying out for the CHHS volleyball team this next school year too. I can't believe she heads off to high school later this year. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Cammy also recently recorded a song in an actual recording studio, which was a fun experience. Cammy's goals for the future... well, it changes almost daily, but usually revolves around being a tattoo artist, hair stylist or a doctor... um, she's 15 so I guess she's got time to figure this one out. She is my ultimate organizer/baby sitter/mini-mom... I really couldn't survive without her.
Little Miss {aka: Krystian} is my super social 11 year old, 5th grader. She's not much taller than she was as a 3rd grader, which was my secret plan to keep her as my little girl for as long as possible. It's worked out in her favor though. After only 9 months of taking gymnastics, Krystian was invited to join the competition team at AW. Saying she is excited is an understatement. She found out right before Christmas that she had been chosen for the team and was bouncing off the walls for the 2 weeks that the gym was closed... she just couldn't wait to get back to the gym and get back to work. She has to be at the gym almost everyday, so I have now taken on the role of "gym mom" {it's similar to a dance mom, just less drama ;)}. Of course with her current love for gymnastics she wants to be a gymnast for, well, forever and eventually wants to be a veterinarian. She's super excited to turn 12 this year and has already made plans for a mom and daughter temple date when she is able to get her recommend. I'm so excited to experience this with her, and although I don't want her to grow up anymore, I am so excited for her future. It's ironic, I want her to stay little, but I loving watching her grow up! :)
Zachary {aka: Z, Zach or Zach-attack} is my all over the place, almost 2 year old. He seriously is the most joyous little soul. He LOVES music and sings songs he hears from pretty much anywhere... nursery, mom, his sisters and even the radio. His favorite songs these days: Once There Was a Snowman, The Snowflake Song, and I Won't Give Up (by Jason Mraz). It's funny how some songs just stick. His oldest sister loves that Jason Mraz song and listens to it A LOT and Zach just picked it up and started singing it one day... probably the cutest thing ever! He is my cookie monster. I don't know how he does it, but he always seems to find ways to get his hands on a cookie {I blame his sisters :)}. He is the absolute best at giving kisses and cuddles and is seriously the most loving little boy. Z loves being the little brother and totally loves having big sisters who are constantly making a big deal about him... he loves being the center of attention let's just say. He loves making friends, playing with trucks, reading stories and playing with his cousins.
Well, that's the latest here at our house. I'm committing to writing more about my family, now to find the time................ and I'm trying to have fewer of those coulda, shoulda, woulda moments. Bare with me. :)
thanks for enduring the longest of long posts. :)
I really shoulda come up with something...
I woulda but...
UGH!
Every year I begin thinking about Christmas cards well in advance. And for whatever reason the idea never materializes... EVER!
I kind of chuckled this year when a friend of mine posted this as her status on fb...
We are horrible at sending Christmas cards so, Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year in 2013!
What a brilliant idea! Can I just do that too?
I actually really love Christmas cards. I love, love, love getting them. I'm sure I would love sending them. It's one of those things that should just happen right? And when it doesn't happen I'm left feeling guilty about it... again! Maybe I should start now for this next Christmas? Or I was thinking of just maybe doing what Gretchen Rubin does in her book The Happiness Project. It's actually a really cute idea, but I fear that I won't do it then either and then I'll be left with the guilty feeling twice a year instead of just the one time. :)
I just realized earlier this week that this blog actually started 5 years ago with this post, which oddly enough was a Christmasy-ish, Christmas card post. Which was followed by this, this, this and this, which was my version of a Christmasy-ish photo recap of the year. This is when I used to make things simple. Maybe I should have just stuck with what worked then. :)
Lately I've desperately wanted to return to that time, or maybe just a time, when things seemed so much simpler. I may have had a life that some would view as hard, difficult or something of the like... but honestly that time in my life was an incredibly happy time. It was a time when I did what I loved. My time was so very precious that I spent it wisely and used each minute to the fullest. I miss that time in my life.
Sorry about that little off track blip there, sometimes my heart just needs to get things out there.
Well, had I produced some magnificent Christmasy-ish, Christmas card post for this past year, it would have gone a little like this...
2012. We blinked and it was over. The end.
Just kidding!
What can I say? I am truly blessed! I have 4 amazing children, friends that are incredibly supportive, loving and understanding, a home, ward and community that I absolutely love, and am completely aware of the Lord's love for me and His hand in my life.
Well, feeling that desire to return to what I used to do and love, I'm realizing I have strayed away from writing about the things I love the most in this world... my children. One of my favorite things lately has been re-reading past posts about the girls. I'm so glad I wrote about their likes, dislikes, loves and current happenings because a lot of it I had forgotten about. I'm so thankful now for capturing those memories and moments. So, in an attempt to return to capturing the NOW moments in their lives I thought I'd do something I haven't done it quite a while and just write about them. :)
Kayla is 17, going on 22 {very shortly}. I still have no idea where all the time went. I can't believe I'm even old enough to have a 17 year old (I am... don't be starting any rumors people). What can I say about my not so little, little girl? She began this school year as a senior {Ugh... I'm feeling old}, graduation is right around the corner! She was elected as the drama council secretary for the 2012-2013 school year, which came as a huge surprise to her because it wasn't a position she even applied for. The drama department chair at CHHS hand picked Kayla for the position, which was a big deal to her. She's been working at Ab's Drive In, well, since she turned 16... and was recently promoted to a supervisor position. It was such a proud mama moment walking into the restaurant and watching her work in a leadership role. She is amazing as a leader and I had no idea she had this natural ability to lead and manage... she amazes me! What's in the near future for my "little girl", well she is a soon to be UVU student (deaf studies program). Last school year, Kayla took an ASL class and things just took off for her. She seriously is gifted in sign language. She picked it up like it was nothing and then decided on her own that she wanted to pursue a career in interpreting. Oddly enough, there are a few repeat customers that come into Ab's that are deaf and Kayla happily and effortlessly takes their order... again, this was another one of those proud mama moments where I'm watching my daughter in complete awe. Kayla and I have also talked about the possibility of her serving a sign language mission, and now that young women can go 2 whole years earlier, it makes the possibility even greater.
Little Miss {aka: Krystian} is my super social 11 year old, 5th grader. She's not much taller than she was as a 3rd grader, which was my secret plan to keep her as my little girl for as long as possible. It's worked out in her favor though. After only 9 months of taking gymnastics, Krystian was invited to join the competition team at AW. Saying she is excited is an understatement. She found out right before Christmas that she had been chosen for the team and was bouncing off the walls for the 2 weeks that the gym was closed... she just couldn't wait to get back to the gym and get back to work. She has to be at the gym almost everyday, so I have now taken on the role of "gym mom" {it's similar to a dance mom, just less drama ;)}. Of course with her current love for gymnastics she wants to be a gymnast for, well, forever and eventually wants to be a veterinarian. She's super excited to turn 12 this year and has already made plans for a mom and daughter temple date when she is able to get her recommend. I'm so excited to experience this with her, and although I don't want her to grow up anymore, I am so excited for her future. It's ironic, I want her to stay little, but I loving watching her grow up! :)
Well, that's the latest here at our house. I'm committing to writing more about my family, now to find the time................ and I'm trying to have fewer of those coulda, shoulda, woulda moments. Bare with me. :)
thanks for enduring the longest of long posts. :)
Monday, November 26, 2012
an Attitude of Gratitude...
I L.O.V.E. November! I don't know if it's the crispness in the air, the crunchy leaves under my feet, that one Sunday where we gain an hour of sleep, or the fact that Thanksgiving comes and Christmas is close behind. Whatever it is exactly, this is definitely my most favorite time of the year.
This year I wanted to foster an attitude of gratitude with my family. I feel like my kids are very grateful for all that they have, but I thought that taking time to notice those blessings was something I wanted to do with them this year. This year we created a Thankful Tree... I followed the idea I found here.
Kayla and I went out on a walk one afternoon to find the perfect branches for our tree... they are a rich red tone. So perfect for our Thanksgiving~ish decor. I love them and am so thankful we found them.
It was fun to see what the kids would come up with each day. Here are some of the things my family is thankful for this year...
I think this is something we will continue to do every year. I love the tree! I think it will be fun to look back each year at the things we were all grateful for the previous year.
It truly is one of my favorite fall decorations.
To keep this perspective year round and encourage the kids to be thankful during prayer, I've posted this saying in our home...
"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"
Be thankful EVERYDAY for everyone and everything in your life... I know for me it changes my attitude about everything and helps me be a little more grateful for the little things {which are usually the most important things}.
~Happy November~
This year I wanted to foster an attitude of gratitude with my family. I feel like my kids are very grateful for all that they have, but I thought that taking time to notice those blessings was something I wanted to do with them this year. This year we created a Thankful Tree... I followed the idea I found here.
Kayla and I went out on a walk one afternoon to find the perfect branches for our tree... they are a rich red tone. So perfect for our Thanksgiving~ish decor. I love them and am so thankful we found them.
It was fun to see what the kids would come up with each day. Here are some of the things my family is thankful for this year...
I think this is something we will continue to do every year. I love the tree! I think it will be fun to look back each year at the things we were all grateful for the previous year.
It truly is one of my favorite fall decorations.
To keep this perspective year round and encourage the kids to be thankful during prayer, I've posted this saying in our home...
"What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"
Be thankful EVERYDAY for everyone and everything in your life... I know for me it changes my attitude about everything and helps me be a little more grateful for the little things {which are usually the most important things}.
~Happy November~
Saturday, October 13, 2012
{the decision...}
{the struggle}
I have struggled for months with this whole blogging thing. Actually I think I've been struggling with an identity thing. I love writing about my family and keeping track of our journey throughout the year. I love writing about interior design and have had a really strong desire to venture back into that world via blogging. I was feeling like I was trying to mesh the family blog with a design blog and it just wasn't feeling right. I love sharing my love for design with anyone and everyone, but sharing my family life with anyone and everyone just isn't for me. I love my current following of close family and friends, but strangers... no.
{the solution}
Write another blog. Duh... so simple. I don't know why I have been so resistant to this idea. I had a million excuses... I just don't have time to maintain another blog, it takes me away from my family, I'm a mama right now not a designer, no one is interested in reading it, and on and on. So, I sat down a few days ago & the inspiration just began to flow. It came together incredibly quick. I was so surprised.
{introducing...}
Imperfect Perfectionist {inspired design} Why start another blog completely devoted to inspiration and design? Because it just makes me happy. :) I need the creative outlet... desperately! I also believe a lot of mamas out there get so caught up in being the wife and mom that they lose their identity without even noticing it's been lost. There is nothing wrong with doing what you love while still being what you love to be {a wife and mama}. It's funny how writing about your passion evokes a certain happiness. Now I get to write about both passions... family & design.
What's with the imperfect perfectionist stuff? I feel like it describes me perfectly. I'm not only a perfectionist when it comes to being a mom. I also get super caught up in the little details in design. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but more often than not, I spend a lot of time focused on stuff that truthfully doesn't matter. Realizing that perfection isn't realistic or necessary has been my saving grace! I feel like there are a lot of imperfect perfectionists out there in the world... we tend to be creative people, with grand ideas & good intentions, who are insanely hard on ourselves all the time... when all we want is the best for our family. So I guess this is my way of saying it's completely okay to be perfectly imperfect. There, did you feel that? ...I don't know about you, but I feel a little lighter somehow.
Anyway, thanks for following along as I recreate, reorganize and venture in new directions.
I have struggled for months with this whole blogging thing. Actually I think I've been struggling with an identity thing. I love writing about my family and keeping track of our journey throughout the year. I love writing about interior design and have had a really strong desire to venture back into that world via blogging. I was feeling like I was trying to mesh the family blog with a design blog and it just wasn't feeling right. I love sharing my love for design with anyone and everyone, but sharing my family life with anyone and everyone just isn't for me. I love my current following of close family and friends, but strangers... no.
{the solution}
Write another blog. Duh... so simple. I don't know why I have been so resistant to this idea. I had a million excuses... I just don't have time to maintain another blog, it takes me away from my family, I'm a mama right now not a designer, no one is interested in reading it, and on and on. So, I sat down a few days ago & the inspiration just began to flow. It came together incredibly quick. I was so surprised.
{introducing...}
Imperfect Perfectionist {inspired design} Why start another blog completely devoted to inspiration and design? Because it just makes me happy. :) I need the creative outlet... desperately! I also believe a lot of mamas out there get so caught up in being the wife and mom that they lose their identity without even noticing it's been lost. There is nothing wrong with doing what you love while still being what you love to be {a wife and mama}. It's funny how writing about your passion evokes a certain happiness. Now I get to write about both passions... family & design.
What's with the imperfect perfectionist stuff? I feel like it describes me perfectly. I'm not only a perfectionist when it comes to being a mom. I also get super caught up in the little details in design. Sometimes that can be a good thing, but more often than not, I spend a lot of time focused on stuff that truthfully doesn't matter. Realizing that perfection isn't realistic or necessary has been my saving grace! I feel like there are a lot of imperfect perfectionists out there in the world... we tend to be creative people, with grand ideas & good intentions, who are insanely hard on ourselves all the time... when all we want is the best for our family. So I guess this is my way of saying it's completely okay to be perfectly imperfect. There, did you feel that? ...I don't know about you, but I feel a little lighter somehow.
Anyway, thanks for following along as I recreate, reorganize and venture in new directions.
Friday, September 28, 2012
friday flashback... to last friday
Flashing back to last Friday...
My phone seems like it is constantly making noise... phone calls, texts, reminders etc...
sometimes I just want to be a little less "connected" to everything, so I decided to ignore its beckoning for an afternoon... last Friday afternoon to be exact. I knew doing this would leave me with the inevitable task of going through voice~mails and such. As the afternoon progressed I decided it was time to return to the real world and began going through my many messages.
One particular voice~mail caught me off guard and left me a little teary-eyed to be honest. It wasn't a bad message, just an unexpected one.
The message went a little something like this...
Hello, this is brother Hoch, I'm the seminary teach at the middle school. {long pause} I was just calling to tell you what a wonderful daughter you are raising and how lucky I am to have her in my seminary class. {another pause} I have 4 daughters of my own and I want them to grow up and be just like your daughter. {pause again} She is an amazing young lady and I just wanted you to know that you have done a wonderful job raising her.
It left me speechless... with one of those lumps you get in your throat before you start crying. She is such a good kid, but the world we live in today rarely notices those good things in people {especially teenagers}. I loved that her seminary teacher took the time to make a phone call. I loved the look on my daughter's face as I replayed the message for her. I loved that he wasn't complimenting her for being a good student, but was noticing her for genuinely being a good person. I loved that someone took the time to notice what a sweet, kind and loving kid my beautiful daughter is.
I am one lucky mom to have her as my daughter!
My phone seems like it is constantly making noise... phone calls, texts, reminders etc...
sometimes I just want to be a little less "connected" to everything, so I decided to ignore its beckoning for an afternoon... last Friday afternoon to be exact. I knew doing this would leave me with the inevitable task of going through voice~mails and such. As the afternoon progressed I decided it was time to return to the real world and began going through my many messages.
One particular voice~mail caught me off guard and left me a little teary-eyed to be honest. It wasn't a bad message, just an unexpected one.
The message went a little something like this...
Hello, this is brother Hoch, I'm the seminary teach at the middle school. {long pause} I was just calling to tell you what a wonderful daughter you are raising and how lucky I am to have her in my seminary class. {another pause} I have 4 daughters of my own and I want them to grow up and be just like your daughter. {pause again} She is an amazing young lady and I just wanted you to know that you have done a wonderful job raising her.It left me speechless... with one of those lumps you get in your throat before you start crying. She is such a good kid, but the world we live in today rarely notices those good things in people {especially teenagers}. I loved that her seminary teacher took the time to make a phone call. I loved the look on my daughter's face as I replayed the message for her. I loved that he wasn't complimenting her for being a good student, but was noticing her for genuinely being a good person. I loved that someone took the time to notice what a sweet, kind and loving kid my beautiful daughter is.
I am one lucky mom to have her as my daughter!
Monday, September 17, 2012
i'm back...
I love to write...
some of my favorite classes in college were the writing classes. My love affair with writing keeps me coming back to the world of blogging over and over again. Does anyone actually read this... I don't know, but I do it because it's something I love to do, which is what really matters after all, right!?
Anyway, these pasts few months I've spent on hiatus have been renewing, refreshing and rehabilitating all in one. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but in hindsight, a bumpy ride worth taking.
I rediscovered the joys of laughing as I took a lesson from this little guy as he took his first ride on a swing alone. He laughed and laughed {one of those deep belly laughs} like it was the greatest thing he had ever experienced. I just can't get enough of this little boy!
I need to laugh a lot more, just like this...
Then I rediscovered my love for beautiful places on a recent trip with my family to see the Brigham City temple. This is probably one of the prettiest temples I have ever visited. I was amazed by the intricate interior details mixed with the simplicity of the architecture. The over all design, inside and out, was incredible.
I also rediscovered the joys of family as I spent an afternoon in Park City with my dad. Lunch, Main Street and the outlet stores shopping for biking gear... yes, you read that right... shopping for biking gear. Now this is when I wish I had remembered to take a camera with me, but my dad has taken up biking, so we went to the Izumi outlet store in PC so he could find a pair of riding shorts. All was well until he burst from his dressing room wearing said shorts, while skipping around and singing a song about "men in tights". $#!*&@#!!! ...and of course there were other people in the store at the time. I almost died.
And most recently I rediscovered my love for creating. I'm not so much a crafter, but I do love creativity and artistry. I found this lovely project and tutorial on a favorite site and decided to try it out. I rediscovered why I love making things with my hands... it's incredibly therapeutic and it's always fun to learn a new technique.
some of my favorite classes in college were the writing classes. My love affair with writing keeps me coming back to the world of blogging over and over again. Does anyone actually read this... I don't know, but I do it because it's something I love to do, which is what really matters after all, right!?
Anyway, these pasts few months I've spent on hiatus have been renewing, refreshing and rehabilitating all in one. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but in hindsight, a bumpy ride worth taking.
I rediscovered the joys of laughing as I took a lesson from this little guy as he took his first ride on a swing alone. He laughed and laughed {one of those deep belly laughs} like it was the greatest thing he had ever experienced. I just can't get enough of this little boy!
I need to laugh a lot more, just like this...
Then I rediscovered my love for beautiful places on a recent trip with my family to see the Brigham City temple. This is probably one of the prettiest temples I have ever visited. I was amazed by the intricate interior details mixed with the simplicity of the architecture. The over all design, inside and out, was incredible.
I also rediscovered the joys of family as I spent an afternoon in Park City with my dad. Lunch, Main Street and the outlet stores shopping for biking gear... yes, you read that right... shopping for biking gear. Now this is when I wish I had remembered to take a camera with me, but my dad has taken up biking, so we went to the Izumi outlet store in PC so he could find a pair of riding shorts. All was well until he burst from his dressing room wearing said shorts, while skipping around and singing a song about "men in tights". $#!*&@#!!! ...and of course there were other people in the store at the time. I almost died.
And most recently I rediscovered my love for creating. I'm not so much a crafter, but I do love creativity and artistry. I found this lovely project and tutorial on a favorite site and decided to try it out. I rediscovered why I love making things with my hands... it's incredibly therapeutic and it's always fun to learn a new technique.
Finally, I rediscovered authenticity. Friends, family, neighbors {basically everybody} are always telling me that I should blog about tutorials, open an Etsy shop or do design work on the side {which is so sweet, kind and flattering btw}. Maybe someday... but for now I'm enjoying life as a wife, mama, sister, daughter and friend. My love for design and beautiful creations will take me somewhere wonderful someday, I know that, but for right now I'm loving right where I'm at.
I recently discovered this wonderful creation by a friend of mine {she always makes the cutest things} and I wanted to share. Words of wisdom for sure and something I need to read every day. Now to find a frame and a spot to display it...
xo, Heather
Monday, June 25, 2012
hip hip hooray...
...it's a get up and go kind of day!
Someone somewhere once said, "summer is for relaxing". Who was this person, and really? I wish summer was relaxing! While summer is one non-stop run, I will say it's fun... but relaxing? no.
Here's what we've been up to so far.
Awards banquets...
Gymnastics meets...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
the joy in the journey…
Change is inevitable. Change is sometimes hard. I do my best to view change as a good thing... without change there would be no progression. True change is difficult, but there is no way to know what life has planned for you without change. My friend Kristi posted this great quote about change in the comments of my last post and I thought I'd share it because it is simply AMAZING!
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
- Anatole France
I love that last part "...we must die to one life before we can enter another". That is exactly where I'm at... the crossroad where one life is ending and another is beginning. And as I'm discovering, I'm facing this more and more as time goes on.
Big change #1 A little less than 2 years ago my life as a single mother was coming to an end. Blessings and much happiness came from those years of my life. While those years were tough, it really was a transition to leave that life behind because I truly was leaving a piece of me in the past. Was this a good change... YES! Was the change hard to make... oddly enough, yes. It wasn't just a change for myself. It was a change for my girls too, and a big one at that! It's funny that years later I'm still adapting. I was incredibly independent as a single mommy and find that I need to remind myself often that I now have Brad and don't have to do everything on my own anymore. It's a work in progress, but I am SO grateful for my sweet husband and his never-ending patience with me. (:
Big change #2 was something I thought I wouldn't have to face for another year... high school graduation. I attended my youngest brother's high school graduation a few weeks ago. I didn't expect to experience all of the emotions that came with it! I look at my beautiful daughter and can't believe that she will graduate from high school in a year!!! I sat there sobbing at my little brother's graduation for two reasons... 1, I'm happy for him and all the excitement that is coming his way. And 2, I'm not ready for the changes that are coming with my oldest daughter growing up, graduating and heading off to college. True, we've been talking about the future and college for quite sometime now, but I guess sitting at this graduation it finally hit me that these changes are coming and they are coming soon, very soon. I am so in love with this "little" girl and I'm so excited for her future, but am definitely experiencing some melancholy in the process.
Big change #3 Starting the world of mommy-hood all over again from the beginning. With a 10 year span between K and Z came a variety of change. Sleep... I don't really remember what that is. While Zach is a good little sleeper, I forgot what it was like to lose the freedom of an afternoon catnap; and while I would love to sleep in later than 7 a.m. on the weekends, this little boy sees nothing wrong with waking up with the sun. I had also forgotten the ease that came with older children... something that used to take an hour to accomplish now takes at least 2. If I needed to run an errand, I did. Now I either enlist a big sister to babysit or I tow this little boy around with me everywhere... everywhere... all the time. He's really such a trooper! Again, the change has come and I'm rolling with the punches, but sometimes those changes are full of learning curves and bumps in the road. I've discovered that with change comes a lot of JOY! I love this little boy more than anything {he ranks right up there with his sisters and Brad} and he makes me so happy.
I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are days when I long to spend time with the old me, or to pack up Kayla's backpack for her and send her off to first grade again... oh, and to maybe take a nap, but with change happening everyday lately I'm reminded how quickly it comes... before I know it I'll be writing about being an empty nester. (:
So many changes in sight... so much excitement. I may shed a few tears along the way {sniffle, sniffle}, but I will enjoy my journey none the less.
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
- Anatole France
I love that last part "...we must die to one life before we can enter another". That is exactly where I'm at... the crossroad where one life is ending and another is beginning. And as I'm discovering, I'm facing this more and more as time goes on.
Big change #2 was something I thought I wouldn't have to face for another year... high school graduation. I attended my youngest brother's high school graduation a few weeks ago. I didn't expect to experience all of the emotions that came with it! I look at my beautiful daughter and can't believe that she will graduate from high school in a year!!! I sat there sobbing at my little brother's graduation for two reasons... 1, I'm happy for him and all the excitement that is coming his way. And 2, I'm not ready for the changes that are coming with my oldest daughter growing up, graduating and heading off to college. True, we've been talking about the future and college for quite sometime now, but I guess sitting at this graduation it finally hit me that these changes are coming and they are coming soon, very soon. I am so in love with this "little" girl and I'm so excited for her future, but am definitely experiencing some melancholy in the process.
I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are days when I long to spend time with the old me, or to pack up Kayla's backpack for her and send her off to first grade again... oh, and to maybe take a nap, but with change happening everyday lately I'm reminded how quickly it comes... before I know it I'll be writing about being an empty nester. (:
So many changes in sight... so much excitement. I may shed a few tears along the way {sniffle, sniffle}, but I will enjoy my journey none the less.
Here’s to the joy in the journey…
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
blessings and lyrics...
Nothing inspires me more than lyrics to a good song.
One of my favorite groups to listen to lately is Mercy River. I love their music. I love that they are a trio of moms doing what they love... singing. Their music just makes me happy! {and you know it's good when the teenagers don't complain about having to listen to it either}
This is one of my favorite listens lately...
One of my favorite groups to listen to lately is Mercy River. I love their music. I love that they are a trio of moms doing what they love... singing. Their music just makes me happy! {and you know it's good when the teenagers don't complain about having to listen to it either}
This is one of my favorite listens lately...
Blessings
{From the album Higher}
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
timing is everything sometimes...
BYU Women's Conference was absolutely amazing this year! And it came at the perfect time as well...
I'm anxiously waiting for transcripts to be available so I can re-read some of my favorite talks. {as a side note, it's well worth a visit to the site to check out past conference archives}
I think what I love the most about Women's Conference is the idea that over 15,000 women from all over the world come together in one common purpose. That many women singing As Sisters in Zion is an experience like no other. It's truly an awe inspiring moment!
I really needed WC this year. The timing couldn't have been more perfect for me. It didn't take long for me to realize that the Lord really knows what I'm in need of hearing. The very first speaker addressed 2 major things that had been weighing heavily on my mind for some time.
The first was the statement that children want a strong mother. They want a mother that sets standards for them and sticks to it... without waffling. Ugh... I can be a big waffler at times. Resisting the urge to waffle is harder than it sounds. It's even harder when the teenagers band together and gang up on me {this is when I waffle the most}. It was slightly comforting hearing several thousand women start chuckling. I'm not the only occasional waffler apparently!
Being a parent is hard... being a good parent is even harder sometimes! So, armed with new courage I came home and held a family meeting. For as long as I can remember I've always had rules in our home about which television programs were okay to watch. Before things got out of control and busy ( with the move and a new baby) I was very clear about what was and wasn't okay to watch. Admittedly I had let things slip through the cracks over the past few months, and in all honesty I had waffled along the way quite a lot. I geared up for my moment to prove I could set rules for my family and not waffle. I explained to my older daughters that even though a tv rating says they are old enough to watch a certain program doesn't mean the program fits into the design of the lifestyle we are choosing to live in our home. I openly explained that some shows bring a feeling into our home that I don't want in my home. I know I can't protect them from what they are exposed to outside of our home, but it's completely my responsibility to be the good mom I know I am and protect them while they are at home! Our home is supposed to be a safe haven from the world and certain programs leave my home feeling more like the world than I wanted. I honestly was a little afraid of the reaction I was going to get from them, but surprisingly they agreed to follow the rules without an argument. Oh my... could the speaker have been right about children WANTING mothers who set standards and stick to it? I know it may seem a little trivial making a big deal about a few programs on tv, but I wanted to show my family (and mostly myself) that I can set standards and stick to it. It has been well worth it... the feeling in our home has changed enough that both of my older girls have commented on the difference. That truly was one of those happy mom moments.
The second was a statement about judging and grudging... and how as women we should support each other and work together to strengthen our homes and families rather than work against each other by judging and holding grudges. Having just had a personal experience where I was the one being judged by another, this shook me up a little. This has been quite a difficult experience for me honestly. It's tough knowing that someone you are close to has been making judgments about you and thinking rather unkind things. When you are the peacemaker type personality, my first reaction is to make things peaceful and happy... but I don't want to put myself in the position to be hurt the same way again. This talk helped to change my view though. The speaker helped me process the reality that as a woman and a mother it's completely okay to surround myself and my family with women who are uplifting, supportive and compassionate, and to forgive and let go of those who can't be that for me. I learned that it doesn't make me a bad person for letting go of people who don't support me in being the best me that I can possibly be. I can forgive without having to be close to this person anymore, and that's okay. It's also okay to LOVE from afar for a while. We don't always know the reason behind the actions of others... it's possible that a personal struggle in their life is unfairly being projected onto you, putting you (or me) in the crossfire. You just never know. {Apologies for the personal post}
The timing of WC was perfect. These past 2 weeks since the conference have been a rejuvenating process for me and I am amazed at how quickly the rebuilding and repairing has been. It's been enlightening. As a creative person stress seems to have a huge impact in so many areas of my life sometimes. When I'm stressed and have a lot on my mind, the creativity just doesn't seem to flow like it should. I'm grateful that I'm beginning to feel like my creative self again. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Maybe this will lead to an upcoming post involving creativity somehow. Sigh......
I'm anxiously waiting for transcripts to be available so I can re-read some of my favorite talks. {as a side note, it's well worth a visit to the site to check out past conference archives}
I think what I love the most about Women's Conference is the idea that over 15,000 women from all over the world come together in one common purpose. That many women singing As Sisters in Zion is an experience like no other. It's truly an awe inspiring moment!
I really needed WC this year. The timing couldn't have been more perfect for me. It didn't take long for me to realize that the Lord really knows what I'm in need of hearing. The very first speaker addressed 2 major things that had been weighing heavily on my mind for some time.
The first was the statement that children want a strong mother. They want a mother that sets standards for them and sticks to it... without waffling. Ugh... I can be a big waffler at times. Resisting the urge to waffle is harder than it sounds. It's even harder when the teenagers band together and gang up on me {this is when I waffle the most}. It was slightly comforting hearing several thousand women start chuckling. I'm not the only occasional waffler apparently!
Being a parent is hard... being a good parent is even harder sometimes! So, armed with new courage I came home and held a family meeting. For as long as I can remember I've always had rules in our home about which television programs were okay to watch. Before things got out of control and busy ( with the move and a new baby) I was very clear about what was and wasn't okay to watch. Admittedly I had let things slip through the cracks over the past few months, and in all honesty I had waffled along the way quite a lot. I geared up for my moment to prove I could set rules for my family and not waffle. I explained to my older daughters that even though a tv rating says they are old enough to watch a certain program doesn't mean the program fits into the design of the lifestyle we are choosing to live in our home. I openly explained that some shows bring a feeling into our home that I don't want in my home. I know I can't protect them from what they are exposed to outside of our home, but it's completely my responsibility to be the good mom I know I am and protect them while they are at home! Our home is supposed to be a safe haven from the world and certain programs leave my home feeling more like the world than I wanted. I honestly was a little afraid of the reaction I was going to get from them, but surprisingly they agreed to follow the rules without an argument. Oh my... could the speaker have been right about children WANTING mothers who set standards and stick to it? I know it may seem a little trivial making a big deal about a few programs on tv, but I wanted to show my family (and mostly myself) that I can set standards and stick to it. It has been well worth it... the feeling in our home has changed enough that both of my older girls have commented on the difference. That truly was one of those happy mom moments.
The second was a statement about judging and grudging... and how as women we should support each other and work together to strengthen our homes and families rather than work against each other by judging and holding grudges. Having just had a personal experience where I was the one being judged by another, this shook me up a little. This has been quite a difficult experience for me honestly. It's tough knowing that someone you are close to has been making judgments about you and thinking rather unkind things. When you are the peacemaker type personality, my first reaction is to make things peaceful and happy... but I don't want to put myself in the position to be hurt the same way again. This talk helped to change my view though. The speaker helped me process the reality that as a woman and a mother it's completely okay to surround myself and my family with women who are uplifting, supportive and compassionate, and to forgive and let go of those who can't be that for me. I learned that it doesn't make me a bad person for letting go of people who don't support me in being the best me that I can possibly be. I can forgive without having to be close to this person anymore, and that's okay. It's also okay to LOVE from afar for a while. We don't always know the reason behind the actions of others... it's possible that a personal struggle in their life is unfairly being projected onto you, putting you (or me) in the crossfire. You just never know. {Apologies for the personal post}
The timing of WC was perfect. These past 2 weeks since the conference have been a rejuvenating process for me and I am amazed at how quickly the rebuilding and repairing has been. It's been enlightening. As a creative person stress seems to have a huge impact in so many areas of my life sometimes. When I'm stressed and have a lot on my mind, the creativity just doesn't seem to flow like it should. I'm grateful that I'm beginning to feel like my creative self again. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Maybe this will lead to an upcoming post involving creativity somehow. Sigh......
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I kind of like who I am... most days :)
I came across this article last week and it really got me thinking. It's one of those articles that's a little sad in a way, but incredibly true... and then I remembered this talk by President Uchtdorf from the October 2011 Relief Society general session of General Conference, which I thought went along nicely with the subject.
Articles like this seem to be everywhere these days, and it's sad to think that so many women out there are feeling so much pressure to be everything to everyone, all the time. (I'll admit, I get caught up in this from time to time). The article talks about seeing what others do on Pinterest and Facebook and blogs etc... which then leads to feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate. It's funny, for me, Pinterest and Facebook don't do this to me. For me Pinterest is purely inspirational, and Facebook, well, I don't get on fb all that often, but I do occasionally love to catch up with friends that don't live so close anymore. I do know however that design blogs, craft blogs, and certain tv programs (design and diy related) tend to leave me feeling a little 'depressed'. I know this about myself though and know that I'm just better off not venturing into that world. So with a little (or a lot) of self discipline, I do my best to just stay away from those things.
I do have to wonder why though; why do we waste our precious time cataloging our flaws, weaknesses and inadequacies? And who's to say that because you don't have an immaculate, neatly decorated home with gourmet meals gracing your dinner table nightly, all while juggling a career and family, with 10 diy projects happening at once, that you are in any way inadequate? It may be what someone somewhere considers underachieving, but let's be realistic... it's really not... realistic, that is!
For me the key is finding my authentic me... I kind of like who I am (most days :) )...
About a year and a half ago I was having a particularly tough day. It was one of those days when every little thing seemed to be a huge ordeal. Day upon day of upset and frustration had built up to this moment of feeling completely unhappy, overwhelmed and inadequate. I was very aware of everything I was doing wrong. One evening during a 'complaint session' to my husband, he asked such a simple question; "well, what makes you happy?"... I honestly didn't know at that moment. In fact, if remember right, I got frustrated with him and told him to go away. It was such a simple question, but so hard to answer at that moment. I had spent so much time focusing on everything I was failing at, that I had forgotten about all I had accomplished. I had forgotten about the happy little things that make me truly feel good at the end of the day. His simple question just wouldn't leave me alone, so I got out a notebook and pen and made a list. I know, it seems silly to make a list of what makes a person happy, but I love lists and knew that if I were going to get this question off of my mind it would have to make its way onto a list. This list really helped me clear through all the junk that had cluttered my life, and helped me refocus my energy into what truly matters to me. I've kept that list to this day. My list makes no mention of losing 10lbs, finishing the basement, organizing my closet, planning some big party or making scrapbooks for all of my kids.
My authentic me finds happiness in cuddling with Krystian reading a book, pouring through paint swatches, tickling Zachary's tummy, teasing my husband, checking my daughter out of school for a 'dr. appt.' and taking her to lunch instead (yes, I'm a rebel, I know), girls nights, rearranging furniture, sketching for hours, and on and on...
President Uchtdorf said it best in his talk... "Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don't close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day's ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life".
Articles like this seem to be everywhere these days, and it's sad to think that so many women out there are feeling so much pressure to be everything to everyone, all the time. (I'll admit, I get caught up in this from time to time). The article talks about seeing what others do on Pinterest and Facebook and blogs etc... which then leads to feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate. It's funny, for me, Pinterest and Facebook don't do this to me. For me Pinterest is purely inspirational, and Facebook, well, I don't get on fb all that often, but I do occasionally love to catch up with friends that don't live so close anymore. I do know however that design blogs, craft blogs, and certain tv programs (design and diy related) tend to leave me feeling a little 'depressed'. I know this about myself though and know that I'm just better off not venturing into that world. So with a little (or a lot) of self discipline, I do my best to just stay away from those things.
I do have to wonder why though; why do we waste our precious time cataloging our flaws, weaknesses and inadequacies? And who's to say that because you don't have an immaculate, neatly decorated home with gourmet meals gracing your dinner table nightly, all while juggling a career and family, with 10 diy projects happening at once, that you are in any way inadequate? It may be what someone somewhere considers underachieving, but let's be realistic... it's really not... realistic, that is!
For me the key is finding my authentic me... I kind of like who I am (most days :) )...
About a year and a half ago I was having a particularly tough day. It was one of those days when every little thing seemed to be a huge ordeal. Day upon day of upset and frustration had built up to this moment of feeling completely unhappy, overwhelmed and inadequate. I was very aware of everything I was doing wrong. One evening during a 'complaint session' to my husband, he asked such a simple question; "well, what makes you happy?"... I honestly didn't know at that moment. In fact, if remember right, I got frustrated with him and told him to go away. It was such a simple question, but so hard to answer at that moment. I had spent so much time focusing on everything I was failing at, that I had forgotten about all I had accomplished. I had forgotten about the happy little things that make me truly feel good at the end of the day. His simple question just wouldn't leave me alone, so I got out a notebook and pen and made a list. I know, it seems silly to make a list of what makes a person happy, but I love lists and knew that if I were going to get this question off of my mind it would have to make its way onto a list. This list really helped me clear through all the junk that had cluttered my life, and helped me refocus my energy into what truly matters to me. I've kept that list to this day. My list makes no mention of losing 10lbs, finishing the basement, organizing my closet, planning some big party or making scrapbooks for all of my kids.
My authentic me finds happiness in cuddling with Krystian reading a book, pouring through paint swatches, tickling Zachary's tummy, teasing my husband, checking my daughter out of school for a 'dr. appt.' and taking her to lunch instead (yes, I'm a rebel, I know), girls nights, rearranging furniture, sketching for hours, and on and on...
President Uchtdorf said it best in his talk... "Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don't close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day's ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life".
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Living in Limbo...
This whole house buying process has been, well, a process. I wish I could say it's been all sunshine and rainbows, but then where would the fun be in that!? It's so exciting to be venturing out into home ownership... and honestly, most of the time I'm very excited and optimistic! This is our 4th attempt at buying a home within the past year.
The first time was a few months before getting married and our lives were in too much of a transition, so we thought waiting a few months wouldn't be a big deal. Attempt #2 came last fall. We found a cute little house, put on offer on it and 2 days later Brad lost his job. Ugh. Attempt #3 came at the beginning of this year. All I did was call our loan officer to make an appointment to meet with him and the next day I ended up on bed rest in the hospital for the next 3 months. I finally resigned myself to the realization that things would happen for us when the timing was right. #4... I'm avoiding calling this time around an attempt. I'm being optimistic!
It's hard when you want something so badly that is so incredibly good for your family. Waiting for everything to finalize is SOOOO stressful! Living in limbo is not one of my strengths... definitely. We've cleaned out almost everything, packed up what we can live without for a while, and have even planned a yard sale. I feeling pretty good about what I've accomplished... now if we would only close on the house! Did I mention I'm not good with this whole living in limbo thing?
We knew from the moment that we drove up to this house that it was where we were suppose to live. We had done quite a lot of house hunting in the past year, so we were really aware of what we wanted and what we could afford. This house had a feeling that none of the other places had. We continued to look at a few more houses. Of course I was occasionally blinded by the house with the better floor plan, better yard, better this and that. But none of the other houses we found felt good inside and out... there was always something just a little off. I always kind of walked away feeling like I was being blinded by shiny objects and fluff that didn't matter. This house (that will hopefully be ours soon) has never had anything but good feelings about it. I'm holding onto those feelings through this process while trying to remain sane!
We were hoping to close this week, but we've hit a small bump in the road... again. Hopefully this is the last of the bumps and we can plan our move for next week. Keeping my fingers crossed...
...until then, I'm "learning" to live in limbo. :)
The first time was a few months before getting married and our lives were in too much of a transition, so we thought waiting a few months wouldn't be a big deal. Attempt #2 came last fall. We found a cute little house, put on offer on it and 2 days later Brad lost his job. Ugh. Attempt #3 came at the beginning of this year. All I did was call our loan officer to make an appointment to meet with him and the next day I ended up on bed rest in the hospital for the next 3 months. I finally resigned myself to the realization that things would happen for us when the timing was right. #4... I'm avoiding calling this time around an attempt. I'm being optimistic!
It's hard when you want something so badly that is so incredibly good for your family. Waiting for everything to finalize is SOOOO stressful! Living in limbo is not one of my strengths... definitely. We've cleaned out almost everything, packed up what we can live without for a while, and have even planned a yard sale. I feeling pretty good about what I've accomplished... now if we would only close on the house! Did I mention I'm not good with this whole living in limbo thing?
We knew from the moment that we drove up to this house that it was where we were suppose to live. We had done quite a lot of house hunting in the past year, so we were really aware of what we wanted and what we could afford. This house had a feeling that none of the other places had. We continued to look at a few more houses. Of course I was occasionally blinded by the house with the better floor plan, better yard, better this and that. But none of the other houses we found felt good inside and out... there was always something just a little off. I always kind of walked away feeling like I was being blinded by shiny objects and fluff that didn't matter. This house (that will hopefully be ours soon) has never had anything but good feelings about it. I'm holding onto those feelings through this process while trying to remain sane!
We were hoping to close this week, but we've hit a small bump in the road... again. Hopefully this is the last of the bumps and we can plan our move for next week. Keeping my fingers crossed...
...until then, I'm "learning" to live in limbo. :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
cataloging inspiration...
One of my favorite things about design school was creating resource binders. I LOVED resource binders because it was a system of cataloging and organizing things I loved to look at. If I was ever in need of design inspiration I cracked open one of my many binders. I love to inspire and be inspired... then add organization to the mix and I am in heaven! I was elated when I found a way to catalog and organize online. I am completely obsessed with this website... and if you are looking for a way to get organized, whether it's recipes you find online, books you want to read or craft projects you want to try, I highly recommend checking it out. What I love about it is this... say you find a recipe online that you'd love to try sometime... rather than print it out and file it in a recipe binder, you "pin" a photo of the recipe to your very own recipe board on the site. When you are ready to use that recipe, simply click on your "pin" and you'll be linked to the original recipe. As I said... I'm pretty much obsessed with it!
Here's what has been inspiring me lately...
(the someday when I get my pre-baby body back outfit)
And this...
(yummy rug)
Oh and this...
(drooling over this cinnamon roll cupcake)
And this adorable thing...
(if only I knew how to knit... sigh)
And someday I want to do this to little Zachary's room...
I could go on and on. Get inspired...
Here's what has been inspiring me lately...
(the someday when I get my pre-baby body back outfit)
Source: polyvore.com via Heather Anne on Pinterest
And this...
(yummy rug)
Source: thenester.com via Heather Anne on Pinterest
Oh and this...
(drooling over this cinnamon roll cupcake)
Source: foodfolksandfun.blogspot.com via Heather Anne on Pinterest
And this adorable thing...
(if only I knew how to knit... sigh)
Source: flickr.com via Heather Anne on Pinterest
And someday I want to do this to little Zachary's room...
Source: ohdeedoh.com via Heather Anne on Pinterest
I could go on and on. Get inspired...
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