to gift: {a growth chart}

Finally posting a "project/gift" that I made for a friends baby shower a year ago... yes, a year ago {that's just how caught up I am :) }!

I have a curse... I have this insane desire {need} to make gifts rather than buy them. I love it!  The entire thing is a creative process for me which is probably why I love it so much.  I know making gifts sounds nice and all, but being the overachieving perfectionist that I am, making a gift can sometimes become a huge ordeal.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE making and creating things!  And more often than not, I would rather make it and give it away than keep it for myself, but when I make something for someone else I feel like it has to be absolutely flawless.  Flawlessness can be the doom of a perfectionist like myself. Ugh.

On to the project...

A friend of mine adopted a baby girl and I wanted to make something special for this sweet little soul.  

Growth charts are all the craze these days, I love to paint, so why not make one myself {or attempt to}.

Here it is...

{baby Alexis ~ tweet}

 Maybe someday I'll get around to making a growth chart for my own child.  And, hopefully that happens well before he's grown! Until then, I hope you enjoy my little work of art...........

Zach Attack {a year in review}...

It's hard to believe that just a year ago I was just becoming the mother of a son.  This sweet little boy arrived  nearly 7 weeks early and I wasn't completely prepared for the weeks that he spent in the nicu.  Not sure anyone can really prepare for that experience.  Needless to say, with a lot of prayers and unbelievable support from friends and family we made it through and little Zachary came home a lot sooner than expected.  

As I was to discover, this little boy was born a fighter.  Within a few  hours of coming into this world his lung collapsed... he then got pneumonia and his other lung collapsed, but miraculously repaired itself (post priesthood blessing).  I had a testimony of the power of the priesthood prior to this, but gained a whole new confirmation that day.  His little scar from the chest tube reminds me everyday how precious motherhood really is.  He truly is our little miracle!

Just a few months old... chunky, active, bright-eyed, and oh-so-kissable.  There is nothing in life quite like a little boy!

Almost a year old... constantly on-the-go, little brother, a healthy 5th% for weight and 75th% for height, bottomless pit, good sleeper, over-all happy-go-lucky little boy.

Little boy Zachary... Happy 1st Birthday!  You are so loved!!!

Oh Happy Day!

If I've learned one thing it's this... blog about it and all the plans will change!
Baby Zachary joined our family a little earlier than we were planning. Oh happy day... he's here!

* He arrived March 21st (3/21 at 3:21 p.m.). He weighed 5lbs. 1/2oz. and was 18" long. *
He was born at 34.4 weeks

My sweet boy spent 11 days in the nicu... I guess I had it in my head that all of the tough stuff would end when the pregnancy was finally over... I was wrong. Baby Zach was about 24 hours old when his left lung collapsed. He was one tough little guy through the whole thing. The doctors let him work through it for about 8 hours to see if the lung would repair on it's own, but it didn't and in went the chest tube. The toughest part was not being able to hold our little baby while the chest tube was in... six incredibly looooong days. To my surprise I showed up one morning and the chest tube was gone along with the oxygen. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him and I just started sobbing (happy, relieved tears of course). If there was one thing I learned; babies can get sick really fast, but they can also get better quickly too. We went from him possibly coming home around Easter to him coming home in a few days... April 1st to be exact.

Lessons learned:

• I am so in love with this little guy.
• My sweet husband has an amazingly strong side I hadn't witnessed before.
• I NEVER want to have a c-section ever again.
• 3 months in bed = achy, sore muscles that don't want to work like they should.
• How quickly I forgot about the 3 previous months once I held little Zachary.
• How grateful I was for the couples who brought me the sacrament in the hospital every week.
• That you can make friends anywhere (even in a hospital).
• That all the stuff I worried about before going into the hospital really didn't matter that much after all.
• There is nothing like being at home with nowhere to go (and no desire to go anywhere).
• I love feeling like my family is whole.

3/21

3/24

3/26
3/27
4/1

I'm goin' home....

It's a DATE!

After 3 wonderful weeks at home I readmitted to the hospital. I wasn't the most compliant patient this time. I had gone in for my weekly doctors appointment and was told that I needed to admit to the hospital. I think I shocked the doctor when I declined. She kind of looked at me with a blank look on her face not knowing what to say next. She finally said that she couldn't force me to stay and sent me off for testing. So, off I went for my twice weekly non-stress test. That's when the "mom guilt" settled in... ugh. I recanted my earlier statements and willfully admitted to the hospital.

The light at the end of the tunnel...
My doctor knowing that I was struggling with the uncertainty of this entire pregnancy finally set a birth date for baby! So pending any further complications, baby boy Miller is scheduled to arrive on March 31st! Just having a plan had me jumping up and down (in my head of course). Oh happy day!!!

2 weeks from today.

Where's Waldo... I mean Heather?

That's kind of what I feel like lately... Waldo.
One minute I'm at the hospital and the next minute I'm home... and back and forth. I don't blame you at all if you are completely confused!

So, the last time I admitted I was told that I would have to stay until the baby comes... 7-8 weeks. I got all settled in... had friends help me set up my room to make it as "homey" as possible. I was just beginning to get to a point where I was sleeping through the night and surprise... plans change.(Kayla took this picture in the hospital)

The weekend before Valentines was a rough one. It was becoming clear to me that my family was majorly stressed out by everything. The girls were calling me crying, Brad was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I was trying my best to manage everything from the hospital. So not an easy thing to do. I spent the weekend crying, stressed out and just praying that the Lord would somehow help me fix it all.
Tuesday afternoon (Feb. 15th) my doctor came in and told me I could go home. On one hand I was elated and on the other hand I was terrified. Why the sudden change??? I may have been the first patient who has ever argued with the doctor about his decision. He just said he felt like it was the best thing for me and the baby. He reassured me that I would be okay and I was only 5 minutes away if I needed to come back. Ummmm okay... confused anyone!? So, I surprised Brad with a phone call to come pick me up, and home we went.

Still nervous about the doctors decision, I asked my dad to give me a blessing. Faith..... I need to have faith in the doctor's decisions and in the Lord that He will take care of the baby and me. Well, talk about being put in your place! All joking aside it was exactly what I needed to hear, and most definitely the counsel I needed to follow. Being sent home was definitely the answer to my prayers.(Kayla took this after I came home... birthday picture)

I've been home 11 days and just passed the 31 week mark. Yay! Knowing that the baby will be here before the end of March makes everything seem more manageable. I most likely will admit one more time before the baby comes, but there is also a great possibility that I will be home until that time arrives.... we'll just wait and see.
I came home just in time to celebrate my birthday... maybe that's why the doctor let me go home. :)

(Cupcakes from my birthday party in bed... yum!)

Room 214

This is my new and permanent residence for the next 7 weeks.... room 214.
January 30th marks the day... the day I woke up and everthing for the next few months changed. My memories of that morning are a little fuzzy now, but the jist of it is this... I woke up around 6 a.m. to use the bathroom for the hundredth time and thought my water had broken. If you've had a baby, you probably know what that feels like. It was still dark out and I was wearing black pjs, so it wasn't until I reached the light of the bathroom that I realized the trail following me from the bedroom... it wasn't water lets just say. I woke Brad and we quickly drove to the ER. That drive was the longest 6 minutes of my life to date. Believe it or not I never really went into panic mode... I cried a little, but overall I was overcome with the feeling that everything would be okay. I was just grateful to be at the hospital.
I spent about 14 hours in labor and delivery. Monitors, steroid shots to srenghten the baby's lungs, magnesium to protect his little developing brain, 2 IVs, and blood draw after blood draw... it wasn't exactly a pleasant day. I spent the entire day thinking that I might end up with a tiny, little premature baby at any moment. Worried doesn't describe what I felt. Thankfully I spent the week in the hospital with no further complications.
The prospect of going home sounded really nice since at the time I was only 27 weeks along and the thought of finishing another 10 weeks of bed rest in the hospital didn't sound like much fun. After an uneventful week I was sent home. I made a stupid joke as I was discharged from the hospital... "even if I just get to go home for a couple of days I will be happy"... crap, why did I have to say that outloud???????
After 48 hours at home... I returned... knowing full well that if I returned I would spend the rest of the pregnancy here. Ugh...
All things in perspective this is the safest place for both baby and me... so I think I'll just suck it up. :) Placenta previa is a frustrating thing... some women have it and never have any complications, while other women have it and struggle no matter how closely they follow the rules. It's also frustrating to be hooked up to monitors and watch a completely healthy baby develop while my body reacts to the stress of the previa. The previa never causes any sort of stress on the baby (thankfully)... it's like he has no idea any of this is going on. I hope my body cooperates. The thought of the baby having to come early just because my body is freaking out leaves me feeling a little helpless...
I am optimistic though. I've got great support from family and friends, and an entire team of doctors watching over us. Each and everyday that passes is a blessing.
Now that I'm all wired in at the hospital I'll keep you posted. yay.

Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Heather and Baby Boy Miller

posting belly pictures soon... I promise!

2 weeks down... 2 more to go...

The past two weeks have been full of enlightenment and soul searching. 2 weeks down and 2 more to go... that's how we're getting through this. In little manageable chunks. Just think, the baby is now 2 weeks healthier, 2 weeks older, 2 weeks closer to being born safely and healthy. This makes me VERY happy. I'm actually beginning to think that maybe I can do this. I can do this...

I didn't get to this point without my lows though. I'll be honest. This new challenge has been exactly that, a challenge. 2 weeks of crying and nervous, sleepless nights. 2 weeks full anxiety. 2 weeks of irritability and depression. And 2 weeks of remembering how strong I'm really capable of being. I learned a whole lot about myself over a 2 week period and I'm guessing I'll continue to learn a lot more, so... bring it on!

I spent the day today with my mother-in-law and came to the discovery that this whole experience is a gift. The gift of time. I have been desperately searching for time... time at home, time with my girls, time with Brad, time with friends, time by myself... you get the picture. Well, the Lord gave me this... He gave me time, and LOTS of it. And rather than focus on all that I can't do with my time right now I need to look at what I can do with my time and make the most of it.

My favorite moments...

• Lying still in a completely quiet house and feeling my very active little boy move and squirm and wiggle. At times I swear there is an entire soccer team in there.
• Watching my sweet daughter Cammy paint the kitchen cabinets simply because she knew it was driving me crazy to look at how ugly they were every day.
• Spending hours talking to my mother-in-law and realizing that I DO have a mom.
• Kayla cuddling with my belly every time she sees me.
• Being inundated with friend after friend calling, coming over, making me feel normal... I really do have a wonderful group of friends that I can count on at any time for anything.
• Watching everything in the house getting done without me lifting a finger. I might be able to get used to this.

I can do this...

Change of Plans...

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to plan for things. Part of the fun in getting to the end are the plans I get to make along the way. Brad loves to just take things day by day... I'm not going to lie... that is a bit of a struggle for me. Well, it seems the boys in my life are going to teach me how to overcome this struggle. Christmas break was great! I spent 3 weeks at home cleaning, organizing, planning for the upcoming months... As I was to find out a few days ago, I may have gotten a little ahead of myself. Plans change..........

Isn't he perfect!!! I love his little profile... he has the cutest little nose!

Seeing this little guy makes any changes to my plans completely worth it.
So, a rough weekend brought a visit to the doctor on Monday. I had an ultrasound about 6 weeks ago where I was diagnosed with a possible placenta previa. The doctor reassured me then that it very well could change over the next few months as things progress and won't be anything to worry about at all. I didn't give it too much thought and just "planned" that this would change and the pregnancy would go ahead as normal. The visit to the doctor this past Monday revealed that it in fact hasn't changed (in the way I had planned anyway)... in fact things have gotten a little more complicated.

Details: Placenta previa happens when the placenta attaches to the cervix as well as the wall of the uterus. Not so much a big deal until you go into labor and the cervix starts dilating. When the cervix begins to dilate, the placenta has nothing to attach to... and without getting too detailed, it's not good. So, the goal is to keep me from going into labor. This also means that I get to have a c-section. Because the placenta is covering the cervix it would have to be delivered before the baby, which is completely impossible... and again, without getting too detailed, is not good. Needless to say, a c-section is inevitable. I'm not too sure I like the thought of planning for a c-section. If there is one thing I would choose not to plan for, it would be this. Having months to think about it is pushing my nerves over the edge. After experiencing labor with my 3 daughters, I'm sad that I won't get to experience that (I can't believe I just said that either). I'm even more sad that Brad won't get to experience that. All things in perspective though... having my son arrive healthy and safe is all that truly matters.

The wrench: I started having contractions over the weekend. Yay (apologies for the sarcasm).

The plan: Making it to 36 weeks (April 1st rather than April 28th). The best possible way of this happening... bed rest. 21 hours a day of bed rest. 21 hours a day for the next 13 weeks. No cleaning (boo), no grocery shopping, no working out (no yoga), nothing strenuous... ugh. I've been given permission to go to school for 2 hours each day. Let's just say, this is the first semester that I am looking forward to having homework... looking forward to having something to do with my 21 hours other than sleeping. :)

The new plans: Sending my cute husband to the library with a list of books and magazines to check out. Catching up on photo albums, writing, blogs, getting creative with my new circumstances... I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Worries: Resisting the temptation to clean.... it's kind of hard being home all day and having to pretend that nothing needs to be done. Letting go.... letting other people do what I can't do at the moment. Avoiding depression.... if only my daughters or my husband could stay home and keep me company. Not having my mom around to talk to and help with things makes me even more sad... sigh...

Perspective: It's only for 3 months. And at the end of those 3 months I'll get to hold my little boy. There are blessings to be had when plans change......

drum roll please...

The Millers are having a...
BOY!!!

Yes, we are adding a little testosterone to the mix. Brad is very happy about this!

I can't tell you how excited I am to venture off on this new journey. Every one of my friends (and sis-in-laws) who have both sons and daughters say there is nothing like raising a son and this is something I am super excited to experience myself. I love all 3 of my daughters so much, but the thought of raising a son sparks a realm of emotions.

1. I am sooooo nervous... probably because after 3 girls I pretty much know what to expect with a girl... boys are soooooo different. I hope I figure it out okay!
2. I've watched my brother and his amazing wife raise 3 sons and I am so excited to have that relationship with my child that my sis-in-law has with her sons.
3. I got to hold my 2 month old nephew at the temple sealing of my brother and his family the other day... there was just something about that experience that melted my heart. I can't wait to hold my sweet little boy.
4. I am experiencing all of this with an amazing, incredible, and very excited husband... I love him so much and am so excited to share this entire experience with him and watch as he becomes a daddy.

So, everyone in the Miller home is over-the-top excited about the baby boy that will be joining our family sometime late April. My daughters have always wanted a brother... this little boy is one lucky little guy... he will have 4 moms and a dad. There will be no shortage of love, kisses, holding and cuddling.