It's been so long since I've written anything. The past few months have been some of the hardest in my life. One of the things I like about trials and challenges (and I can't believe I just said I like trials and challenges) is when you get to that point where you can look back and see the pieces of the puzzle fitting together. I can see how heartache and sleepless nights ended up being on the cusp of major growth moments. I can see very clearly where doors were opened and others were closed, and how aware I am now of the Lord's hand in all of the things that have unfolded. This really has been such a challenging experience, and I cannot deny the blessings that have come along the way. Every night when I kneel in prayer I barely make it two seconds before bursting into tears of gratitude. It's becoming easier to see the goodness that envelops my life and positive moments I've been blessed with along the way.
First, I wanted to thank everyone for the kind messages and thoughts that you sent my way after my last post. And thank you to those who shared their stories with me. There were so many personal stories shared. I was humbled. I was so overcome with your words of encouragement, compassion and thoughtfulness. You really kept me going through this very difficult time, and there are no words to describe how grateful I am for the truly good friends the Lord has placed in my life.
Divorce really sucks. That's it. There is no other way to describe it. How do two people who were so excited to get married and plan a life together end up like this? It's something my heart has a hard time comprehending at times.
I love the movie (and the book), Under the Tuscan Sun. In it the main character, Frances, speaking of divorce and says, "the most surprising thing about divorce is that it doesn't actually kill you". This statement makes me laugh a little every time I hear it. It doesn't actually kill you, but honestly, it should. No one should have to wake up to the aftermath and reminders everyday. It's disheartening, in a way, that it takes such an incredible amount of time to recover. If the divorce itself doesn't kill you, the recovery should.
There is a big part of me that is very anxious to just get past this moment and get on with my life. Daily reminders of the "D" word leave such a gloomy presence. There are many things about this marriage I wish I could forget, but then I look to the future and am reminded that there is goodness and hope on the horizon. And the goodness on the horizon will only be sweeter because of the experiences I've had. Why would I ever lessen the experiences and blessings that are to come by forgoing the memories that, with time, will become less and less painful to remember. I can't remember who said this, but the following quote puts things into a perfect perspective... "Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere; I would be different". While life over the past few years have been filled with heartache and, at times, immense pain; I honestly wouldn't dare change a thing because that may mean that I might somehow be different. Maybe even less that what the Lord has planned for me to become. I have to believe that this experience is part of my path; part of the Lord's plan for me. And, let's be honest... he doesn't make mistakes.
Showing gratitude for the low points in my life truly makes the sweet times that much sweeter.
I am confident that there will come a day when the memories of a life that once was will be filled with less sadness, and my heart will instead make way for a hope and happiness I cannot yet comprehend. Through faith in Jesus Christ, and the blessings of hope; heartache can be replaced with graitude.
