I believe in marriage. I truly do. It's the one thing in this life that I've hoped for, searched for, and worked for most of my life. Not just any marriage would do. I've always wanted something special... a friendship, a partnership an eternal companionship. I've longed to fill my life with the joy of being a wife and mother. I love working, but my deepest desire is to be home taking care of my home and family. It's not just a want, it's a deeply spiritual desire. Believe me I've looked outside the home to fill that desire, and I always end up back at home because it is where my heart truly feels the happiest. There is nothing more fulfilling to me than caring for my home and family.
Matt and I met nearly 22 years ago. We had grown up together, had many of the same friends, similar interests... he was off-the-wall, outgoing and super ambitious. I was shy, quiet and a bit of a goody-goody. Matt and I were best friends to the core. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we had an amazing friendship. Every Saturday we would pack up the kids, get in the car, and go for a family drive; and every time without saying a word about it, would end up where we both had wanted to go. We were connected.
We enjoyed 11 years of marriage together. I remember the beginning of the end like it happened yesterday. We had just taken the girls on a family vacation to San Diego. That following week Matt had spent out of town on business. He came home from that business trip looking completely different. I barely recognized him. After several hours of silence he finally spoke to me and told me that he "didn't want to be married anymore and didn't want the responsibility of a family anymore either"... I'll probably never forget those words. He packed his bags and took a job in Washington D.C. and left. It was over just like that. In the years that followed, a secret life surfaced. Secrets I sometimes wish I had never known about.
I remember the day my mother-in-law called me. She didn't say much, she didn't need to. She only said, "I'm not too happy with my son right now". She didn't take a side, she didn't make excuses or point fingers. She said what her heart was feeling. She was hurting too. She told me she loved me. She passed away just a few weeks later. I will forever be grateful for her strength in making that phone call. She set me free from the self-blame, guilt and shame I was feeling. I never realized how grateful I was for that moment until recently.
Fast-forward 10 years... and here I am. Losing everything again. After Matt, I took my time. I didn't date, didn't think of dating for several years. I really looked inward, worked very hard to mend the heart that had been broken by the ultimate betrayal. I bettered myself through education, service and being the best possible mom I could. I poured everything into being ready and worthy of the kind of man I deserved and wanted to spend eternity with. I was so careful.
I not only prayed for the opportunity to meet and marry a good man, I also prayed to be part of a good family as well. I found both of those things. I remember thinking I had seriously hit the jackpot. I fell in love with Brad's family. It was the type of family I wanted to be a part of eternally.
I wish I could put into words what happened, but it's too personal, to raw and way to painful. It's over and that's all I can, and will say. I didn't just lose my husband, I lost a family I really cared about. My children lost a family. I never experienced this with Matt. My children and I have always remained really close to Matt's family. We visit their grandpa still... regularly. I think we remained close because family relationships are what matter the most. My heart breaks for my son. I don't know what this means for him.
I don't know what will come from all of this. I have a love/hate relationship with hope. My bishop said to me months ago, "if there is even one ounce of hope, then let's do all we can to save this marriage"... ugh, I am the last person to talk to about hope. I am probably one of the most hopeful people out there. His statement about hope was absolute torture. Of course there's always hope... hope is what has kept me going for the past 2 1/2 years. But I slowly realized that hope can't fix another person. All of my desires and "hope" can't do the work for or change someone else. It's like wishing the sky were orange... hoping that the sky will magically turn orange isn't going to change it's color.
I wish things were different right now. I wish I could fast-forward 6 months, 1 year, 5 years... I just wish I could make it through a single day without falling to pieces. I wish this didn't hurt so much.
Even though things are unbelievably tough right now, I'm learning quite a lot. I've learned that I can still laugh and find joy every single day. I truly enjoy my time with my children. It's okay to close the door to my closet and sob (sometimes several times a day). I've learned to rely on the Lord a lot because there are times when there really is nobody else. I've learned to lean on friends and family and those the Lord has placed in my life at this time. I've learned to not keep everything to myself... I kind of pride myself on being a really private person. It's okay to NOT to do it all myself. I've learned that I enjoy having a home full of people... even the teenage variety. It's okay to not figure everything out in one day. I've learned to let plans go. I've learned that things like organized cabinets, clean floors and empty laundry baskets don't really matter, and things like story time and prayer with Zachary, teaching my daughters to cook and sew, and talking on the phone to a friend or visiting my mom... those things are what really matter. I've learned to not overwhelm myself with the undone details and the uncertainty of everything.
And most of all, I've learned to trust in the Lord when He keeps reassuring me that everything will be all right, because truly, everything will be all right. He knows the journey I've been on. He knows the true desires of my heart, why I've cried the tears I've cried. He know the prayers I've prayed begging and pleading with the Him to help me fix things and make things different. He knows my heartache, my sadness, and how hard I fought for a different outcome. Ultimately the Lord knows the absolute truth, and nothing brings me more peace than knowing that for myself.
The final thing I learned is a big lesson on forgiveness. I recently came across this quote by Carol Tuttle, "forgive others for not knowing what you know". I wrote that on my bathroom mirror as an everyday reminder. This quote speaks with so much power. I can't be upset with people for not knowing what I know... and if what they don't know is the truth, then how is it doing me any good to hold on to hurt feelings and let those feelings of sadness, pain and frustration control my life? Behaving that way fills me with nothing but despair. This experience has been devastating enough without adding to it.
That quote put things in a perfect perspective for me... I truly DO need to forgive others for not knowing what I know. I have to believe that the Lord will mend things. I can be mended, my children can be mended. Hearts will be mended. I need to remember that I put this in the Lord's hands months ago and He doesn't make mistakes. I may be headed down a road I truthfully didn't want to go down, but I have no doubt He will make this family whole again.
